Taking Out The Trash

I feel like there's a war going on in my head. It feels like my thoughts are battling for dominance over one another. It also feels like everything I thought to be true isn't really at all. But fuck. There's so much shit in my head, so much garbage. And yet I know that there are also thoughts that are in there that are good ones that I need to keep. I know I need to take the trash out, but how do I discern the trash thoughts (not the sexually explicit ones, haha) from the good? And how does one take out the trash from one's own head...??

I used to think that heart and head were separate. That you have to deal with one differently than the other. But now, I'm not so sure. I'm not sure of anything anymore. Especially when it comes to how I'm thinking or feeling. All my thoughts seem to be broken pieces and not complete, like run on sentences that make no sense.

I don't even know if I'm making any sense. I honestly don't even really know what it is I'm trying to say. But I know there there has been a major change in my thought process this past month. I know that I haven't really let anyone know what I've really been thinking for awhile now. I mean yeah sure, I'm telling everyone all about how I'm FEELING, but not about what I'm thinking. I know my judgement hasn't been at its best lately. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart and matters of the head. And I'm beginning to wonder if the reason my heart has been so fucked up is because my head has also been fucked up.....hmmm.....

Is it possible that my thoughts are actually feelings and not really thoughts at all? Lol, am I losing it? I want so desperately to figure things out for myself but I have no idea where to begin. Not to mention I have no idea what to do with the broken pieces. Do I pick them all up and keep them hoping one day I will find the rest of the pieces to make them complete? Or do I pick them up in a proverbial dustpan and throw them away? And what if I throw away a piece I actually need? GAHHHHHH!!!!

I just want my head to be quiet and my heart not to hurt. Is that too much to ask?

5 Minutes

Random thoughts running through my head in the past five minutes:

1. If I could be naked all the time, I wouldn't have to do laundry.

2. Thanks to my buddy Aymie, I'm fantasizing about Mike Patton strip searching me.

3. I can't believe the Robert Johnson collection is only $14.99 at Best Buy.

4. I have a roommate that's never home, and I am hardly ever home, soooo why the fuck is my apartment such a mess??

5. What's that smell? Is it me?

6. Should I cut my hair or let it grow?

7. I can't wait til Christmas is over.

8. Maybe if I didn't work so much, I'd actually have a social life.

9. Does youtube count as watching TV?

10. Ummm, why do I pay money every month for cable when I don't even watch TV?

11. Dammit! What's that smell?

12. I've got the most awesome friends on the planet.

13. I wonder who my secret Santa is at work?

14. Is it odd that I laugh at inappropriate times?

And 5 minutes is up......

All I want to do is dream. In my dreams I'm happy. In my dreams, I don't hurt. In my dreams, everything worked out the way it was supposed to. Or the way I wanted them to.

In my dreams, I'm laughing and smiling. There is no sadness to be found. My heart is intact and not in pieces on the floor. In my dreams, I don't cry myself to sleep at night.

In my dreams, I'm happy.

In my dreams, he still loves me.

In my dreams, we live happily ever after...

And for a split second in that state between dreaming and waking, I believe my dreams are coming true.

And then I wake up.

And now I know, that not all dreams come true.

Facing the Past

Most people have seen the animated Disney cartoon "The Lion King." If you haven't, well then you're just not cool. Leave this fucking blog now, watch the fucking movie, than come back and read my blog. Otherwise, you won't know what the fuck I'm talking about. And yes I'm saying fuck a lot. Cause that's just how I roll.

In the cartoon, there's an exchange of dialogue between an adult Simba and the wise baboon Rafiki that deals with talking about the past. Simba doesn't want to go home and face the "terrible" thing he thinks he's done. He'd rather live the rest of his life in exile that have to face the family and friends he left behind. Rafiki tells him to go back but Simba still doesn't want to, even though Rafiki tells him all will be forgiven; that they'll just be happy to have him back. But Simba's afraid of what will happen when they find out what he's done. You can see the shame, pain and fear on his face as this exchange takes place. When he attempts to walk away again, Rafiki whacks him on the head with his staff. When Simba asks him why he did it, wise Rafiki tells him:

"What does it matter? It's in the past."

If only human beings had that same attitude....

To My Panda...

If your silence is all some sort of test to see what it is I'd do, I just want to let you know that I am passing with flying colors. Please allow me to explain.

I'm clean. I gave up on the self medicating. It was hurting you and it was hurting me, and I'm convinced God is punishing me for my stupidity by giving me a massive kidney infection and a kidney stone. However, I am on pain meds and muscle relaxers to help deal with the pain of giving birth to the stone I'm trying to pass. After much deliberation and playing the baby name game with friends, I've decided to name it Vic (which rhymes with Mike). Haha, Get it?

Ok moving on now.

Just so you know, my doses of meds are being regulated and monitored by Kathy, my former roommate. She has the bottles and gives me my medicine only as needed. I relinquished complete control over to her (a lesson in humility from God I'm sure), cause we all know what happens when I have control over things of that nature. I already fucked up over a handful of pills. It ain't happening again. I see now how badly my selfishness and stupidity hurt you. But, (insert heavy sigh here) hindsight is always 20/20.

I wish I could take it back, my panda. I really wish I could. But I can't. All I can do is move forward and try to undo the damage I've caused and hope that you'll be moving forward with me.

And as much as I would like to, I'm not doing anything stupid either. You know what I mean by stupid. It's just not worth it. I want you to know that I've cut all ties to the people from my past. There will be no more errands, no more ehhh....jobs to do. No more causing of unnecessary pain and suffering. I've done enough and its time I truly put my past behind me. I will walk the line. I will not give up. I will not give in. "Evil Jack" will not win. I've come too damn far for that. And I am NEVER going back there. NEVER.

Am I in pain? Yes.

Am I heartbroken? Yes.

Am I hurt? Yes. Very deeply.

But none of the above are good enough reasons for me to throw away all my hard work, To throw away everything I've gotten back. And there is nothing on the planet worth losing you over, Charles.

NOTHING.

You said you would never disappear from my life. You said you would never give up on me. You said you would always be around, even if it hurt. You said you would always love me. And most importantly, you said you would never give up on me. I heard the conviction in your voice when you said these things to me. I wish you could hear the conviction in mine when I say this to you: I have faith in you and your words.

I will wait for you. Endlessly.

All my love,

Your Jack