To My Panda...

If your silence is all some sort of test to see what it is I'd do, I just want to let you know that I am passing with flying colors. Please allow me to explain.

I'm clean. I gave up on the self medicating. It was hurting you and it was hurting me, and I'm convinced God is punishing me for my stupidity by giving me a massive kidney infection and a kidney stone. However, I am on pain meds and muscle relaxers to help deal with the pain of giving birth to the stone I'm trying to pass. After much deliberation and playing the baby name game with friends, I've decided to name it Vic (which rhymes with Mike). Haha, Get it?

Ok moving on now.

Just so you know, my doses of meds are being regulated and monitored by Kathy, my former roommate. She has the bottles and gives me my medicine only as needed. I relinquished complete control over to her (a lesson in humility from God I'm sure), cause we all know what happens when I have control over things of that nature. I already fucked up over a handful of pills. It ain't happening again. I see now how badly my selfishness and stupidity hurt you. But, (insert heavy sigh here) hindsight is always 20/20.

I wish I could take it back, my panda. I really wish I could. But I can't. All I can do is move forward and try to undo the damage I've caused and hope that you'll be moving forward with me.

And as much as I would like to, I'm not doing anything stupid either. You know what I mean by stupid. It's just not worth it. I want you to know that I've cut all ties to the people from my past. There will be no more errands, no more ehhh....jobs to do. No more causing of unnecessary pain and suffering. I've done enough and its time I truly put my past behind me. I will walk the line. I will not give up. I will not give in. "Evil Jack" will not win. I've come too damn far for that. And I am NEVER going back there. NEVER.

Am I in pain? Yes.

Am I heartbroken? Yes.

Am I hurt? Yes. Very deeply.

But none of the above are good enough reasons for me to throw away all my hard work, To throw away everything I've gotten back. And there is nothing on the planet worth losing you over, Charles.

NOTHING.

You said you would never disappear from my life. You said you would never give up on me. You said you would always be around, even if it hurt. You said you would always love me. And most importantly, you said you would never give up on me. I heard the conviction in your voice when you said these things to me. I wish you could hear the conviction in mine when I say this to you: I have faith in you and your words.

I will wait for you. Endlessly.

All my love,

Your Jack